As I sit here listening to Bon Iver, feeling the deep emotional threads of life, my husband sits down next to me and says, “Why so big?” referring of course to my post pregnancy pot belly that is raised well above the computer on my lap. I laugh, because it is kinda funny. The tunes bring me back to this place where I remember what it’s like to feel on a deep level. Is it the music or the glass of wine? Oh, I can’t be sure, but it feels good to be here.
I have a beautiful daughter now. She is truly a joy. She’s my new best friend, for sure. She’s only 13 weeks old, but she and I go way back. I pray I can nurture our relationship in the healthiest way possible throughout our lives. I prayed for her to come, and here she is. She is here to help me develop my soul and I hope I never lose that perspective.
I look back on this past year and truly have no thoughts. I got married, was pregnant, had a child, and started a brand new International Baccalaureate school in Seoul, Korea. Yet, it was all a bit blaaaa. Well, not the baby part. Or the marriage. Or the job. Ok, so it wasn’t blaa. But it definitely wasn’t filled with deep spiritual awakening that I so thrive on and have gotten used to. It was just life. Going through seasons without the seasoning. Of course I blame it on Korea. Korea is always at fault here. This concrete jungle of a place that lacks any SOUL. Sucks my being out with every waking breath.
I lost my best friend this year. A person with whom I can laugh for hours, and spill all my sacred and superficial secrets to. Well….. he decided that since we would not be marrying in the future, that he would drop all ties. He has so many girl friends in this world, yet me……..he cannot find a way to be just friends with me. How can one be your best friend, only on conditions?? Talk about messed up and selfish. But then I guess that’s maybe what he thinks about me. I really hate him for this. But if you look a little deeper, I’m just really sad about it. Cause I love this guy on the deepest level. He’s just not meant to be my lover. He’s my best friend. I guess I will have to take this to my grave because he’s not budging and well, all I want to do is cuss him out and wring his neck and then laugh about it…..but it’s all just a stone wall facing me.
And so it goes.
Perhaps my deepest fear is losing my perspective. Losing Kelsey. Losing that girl that remembers all those emotions, feelings, sacred spaces. Becoming this machine that goes to work, does as she’s told, comes home to make dinner, watches a show or two, showers, then hits the sack to do it all again. However lovely this sounds, and however privileged I am, this is part of my worst nightmare. This isn’t who I want to be. This is a person who is stuck in indentured servitude to her bills and ideas of what it means to be a productive person. Some people thrive on working their ass off, sacrificing their family, their friends, their health, and their LIFE in the name of WORK. Well, I’m just going to go ahead and say, that’s not me. I work hard, but I have a limit. I just won’t be that person putting in those extra hours just to prove I am a perfect teacher. Because let’s be real. Children in the end, won’t remember if you marked every paper. They will remember if you were real. If you were sincere. If you cared. And if you carried passion in your soul. That shit is real. Not if you hit every benchmark the “state” said you should “cover”. Or if you show up on time. Or have your classroom posters perfectly placed on the walls. Or if you sucked up to your boss. My students love me. It’s true. And it’s because I am honest with them and I treat them with respect. I tell my 5th graders the harsh realities of life. They have a vague sense that the world is a fucked up place by the time they leave my class and they know that they have a responsibility to fix it. Not because I tell them they do, but because they have investigated and decided for themselves. And they are okay with that because life is bearable, especially when you find like minded people who want nature in-tact, atrocities to subside, corruption to fade away, and health to thrive. When you know there are others out there who want the same beautiful world it gives inspiration. I’m so thankful for my students. They are so innocent and are the reason to be in the profession. They are the ones who still CARE to CARE and that is inspiring to me. Because out of my 600 and so friends on FB, I’d say a mere 30 give a flying shit about stopping the banking corruption, wars, environmental disasters, human and animal atrocities. Everyone is so complacent. I’m not sure if it is because they are all on Prozac, or if they are all sociopaths, or have hidden me from their newsfeeds, but it is glaring how NON-MOVED they all are. You could tell them Hitler rose from the dead and is now running the world and they would all say in unison, “Oh really? I guess that’s how it should be.” Lemmings, I tell you.
I hate mass media inspired reality. I really do, But oh how easily am I sucked into thinking that this world is about making money and working late, and trying to make a name for yourself! Despite the fact that Korea lacks mysticism and much depth into the other realities of the universe….spirituality is still here. Even though the vibe of this place sucks your soul into a black hole a little more each day, true spirituality can transcend all that. Spirituality can surround a person, not just a place. And I need to keep it real. I need to remember that Kelsey from before who traversed in other spaces and knew what it meant to see.
And see I shall.